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  1. List of British television programmes
  2. Description:
  3. Whacks Lyrical by Lucy Appleby (LSF Publications)

Or maybe an ordinary Mall Santa is just a Jerkass. Either way, we have a Bad Santa Claus on our hands. For children brought up with the 'commercialized' form of Christmas, Santa Claus can be seen as something of a symbol of divine judgment as well as a jolly child-friendly icon, making the Bad Santa almost like a combination between the Knight Templar and the Monster Clown.

It isn't uncommon for the Bad Santa to herald his appearance with a twisted form of the 'naughty or nice' list - usually with severe penalties for whoever is on the 'naughty' list. An extreme form of Paranoia Fuel. Named after the movie of the same name. Usually ends up fighting the real deal, Badass Santa! Merry Christmas to all Merry Christmas. Neural disruption for all. Narrator : 'Word', said his homie; 'I've got my nine.

Now let's go bust a cap in that nuclear swine. Scott: Well, kids I hope you've been good this year, because it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson Home. Parent : You can't give her that! It's not safe! Death : It's a sword. They're not meant to be safe. Mall Owner : She's a child! Death : It's educational. Mall Owner : What if she cuts herself?

Death : That will be an important lesson. I'm afraid of Father Christmas coming down the chimney While I'm fast asleep, he might come and grab me! Dean: What'd Bobby say? Sam: Well, first off, he said we're idiots. On every corner there's a giant metal Santa Claus Who watches over us with glowing red eyes. They carry weapons and they know if you've been bad or good. Not everybody's good but everyone tries. Chong: Hey, just a minute, man. Now, how'd he do that, man? Cheech: Oh, well, man, he took da freeway.

How else, man? Chong: No, man. No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man? And a publisher asked Wellington to dictate his memoirs during the battle of Waterloo. Where was Antonio Gaudi killed by a streetcar? In a European city. Well, what do you want? It's clear and correct. The attempt to be honest joined with the need to describe exhaustively leads to a secondary falsity, such a wealth of qualification that no one cares enough about the meaning to reach it by hacking through the sentence's phrases and clauses.

Thus I'm sorry becomes Although what I said was inadvertent, a construction can easily be put on it that was more than a little unfair to you and if you experienced any resentment I am willing to say the fault was mine. People with big, yet effectively inconsequential secrets homosexual feelings when or where the acts are felonies fall into this style both speaking and writing Henry James; Marcel Proust. In making your point a cliche can be more effective than a well-crafted conceit and less misleading. Brevis esse laboro, obscurus fio, sang the poet; trying to be brief, I become obscure.

Well what's the matter with thatcan't the reader sweat a little? Does the writer have to do everything? In Spain,in the 18th Century, the Inquisition held mass-burnings of Jews and heretics to celebrate royal weddings yes, reader, royal weddings. In the 18th Century. Spain's Catholicism was famously severe because of the close cooperation of the monarchy with the Church.

It seems impossible now that the Roman Catholic church could ever regain the political power it once had, butDon't say it! Don't say it! In life, if you can't stop doing a thing you must. In the arts, in the same circumstances you must continue. I know of only two persons in the 20th Century who attained great publicity before their death and after it were revealed to be coprophiliacs: James Joyce and Adolph Hitler. The best and the worst of our species were united by a single revolting vice.

Possibly because Joyce came near taking orders as a priest of the God who delights in torture. His vocation, though transitory, may have left on him the stigma of an obsession resembling that of the leader who worshipped himself as a god and delighted in torture. It is comforting to know that, while Hitler had to murder his niece, punishing her refusal to gratify his wish, Joyce persuaded a reluctant Norah to let him watch no more and afterwards was ashamed. Jim and Norah must have loved each other. In my doctoral-candidate days, I was tested informally by a student about eligibility for membership in a coterie that met in his house; he asked me what I made the students read in a composition course.

Henry James's The AmericanI began. You don't like James, I hope! Bewildered, I thought--why shouldn't I like James? And why should dislike of, or indifference to, an author be hoped for? After ten or twelve years I had learned that the first author you mention in a conversation like that symbolizes yourself; that homosexuals were more feared in a random English department after the Kinsey report which broke the news that they could, if they liked, pass for straights , than before; and that biographical studies had shown James to be a latent homosexual.

Thus the malware of homophobia in society's Mac can stall a message ten years. Since Jesus said you cannot serve two masters, I am puzzled by people who strive to be rich and famous. Speaking of Latin gender, an old book says that mentula prick ends in the -a of feminine gender and cunnus pussy ends in the us of masculine gender because slaves take the names of their masters.

The internet enables me to say: take my aphorisms, publish them as your own, as bumper stickers, t-shirts, paper-and-ink, I won't sue; your version will either be sufficiently altered from the original to entitle you to claim copyright, or it will be recognized as a knockoff and so will lead readers to this page, a place easy to find in the cybernetic age. Seeing the crowd, he goes up into a mountain, and the sycophants come to him; then he instructs his elite. Sir Isaac Newton raged against the Trinity, and Werner Heisenberg received condescension from Albert Einstein, the latter refusing to believe that God played dice with the world.

Newton rejected the Trinity because of its nonsense, its calm assertion that Jesus is and is not his own father; Einstein rejected indeterminacy because of its resemblance to chaos. Neither could believe the universe in which he had found such radiant order could rest on the opposite of order. After Odysseus reaches Ithaca: Telemachus: That passed the time. Odysseus: It would have passed in any case. This quote is too familiar to need documentation.

The ways of having sex without conception are numerous enough to form a huge mass; the world's largest pea separates copulation from population. Of a scholar, someone said, He's a second Babe Ruth, with fine ideas instead of home runs. The other said: Say Willie Mays. He prevents runs and that's better than hitting them. I have some naked thoughts wrote Milton, adding that he meant to clothe them with words drawn from the wardrobe of English. Philosophy teaches that ideas cannot exist in distinction from words, and that, besides, words communicate no meaning.

Interesting, but show me a language-analysis theorist or deconstructionist who wrote a great epic poem. In a down-market lunch counter a customer noticed the beauty of a waitress and made approaches. I'm not dating a guy who eats in a place like this. You don't mind working here. Hinduism required a widow to be burned alive; then this was attenuated to her living in a tiny house in her family's back yard; then that was attenuated to her never remarrying. Christians, go thou and do likewise. Pascal's Thoughts, a series of apothegmatic gems and a page-turner, was a sheaf of notes for an unfinished work, A Defense of the Christian Religion.

Now let them say a good book can't be written for an evil motive. When your whole world makes sense, you are pleased. When it makes enormous sense, you become uncomfortable. When sense floods your brain like a tsunami, you cry Why me? My hostess said, We think New York is a more cultured place than California. I thought so too, up to that instant; but her sentence startled me into doubt. Had it been true, she wouldn't have said it.

If the technology of a split feather dipped in ink is primitive, how did Dante write his epic or Gesner his Universal Library? If an enemy torments you with gibes in the workplace, seek a higher-paying job, especially if you deserve them. He was promoted for his useful innovations and then fired for his extremely useful innovations. His strength was as the strength of ten because he came prepared. A televangelist exhorted his parishioners to resist the inundation of the Net by porn but nothing can keep water from seeking its own level.

Pere Teilhard de Chardin spoke of the mysterious noosphere, a layer of mind covering the whole earth. Name the fundamental rule of your sport, said the reporter. Put the ball in play, said the slugger. Keep your left out and don't stop moving, said the boxer. Attack, said the writer. In certain villages in India, a girl after her first menstruation is routinely and ceremonially raped by the local Brahmins. The girl is dressed in festive garments and the Brahmins entertained at a feast.

In the U. The invention that produced both the J-writer and the eyes of them both were opened, and they saw that they were naked and the P-writer every creeping thing that creepeth, was the alphabet. The invention that produced both Shakespeare and John Lyly was printing. So don't try to edit for quality. Just let'er rip. My wife and I had a quiet but emotional talk; she showed me her heart. Now I never want to see her again. A Russian lady, a teacher of French, called Nabokov sale sans raison.

Humbert with murder in my heart finds Quilty's death horrible, though Quilty himself takes it with jests. We read and live and obtain what we have. My Bible weighs five pounds. Well, the Roman army trained with lead weapons, didn't they? I liked your novel, but why did you put the title at the end? I felt impelled to; my work is so trite, I didn't want to warn the reader. However, there is another reason for gesturing: emergency communication when speech fails.

He pulled on this rope at the front of the boat that went all the way to the top of the mast-- gesture of rope-pulling. The jib sheet. He pulled on the jib sheet. I feel so empowered. That being the game, Premier Khrushchev showed a wisdom above humanity in , bluffing with only four missiles against the USA's 10, Perhaps he had advance notice that the USA's intent was a double-bluff.

If so, some day the capital cities of the world will erect monuments: To the Unknown Spy. When a mother asked her year old the traditional question, he said: I want to be an artist. But you won't be able to make a living. Some of the greatest painters in history couldn't make a living. Van Gogh Dear, you should know that the most despicable thing you can possibly do in this world is to depend on other people when you're able-bodied and can fend for yourself.

The boy thought: I think that's untrue, but I can't deny she thinks so. The mother's counsel was her legacy. In later years her son got a job and fathered a family; and he finally became an artist, as soon as she was dead. He imputed his good moves to talent and his bad ones to fate. Did fate still get a percentage?

Dining with a double agent, I said, Don't you feel afraid of being shot in the back? Not really; I'm so good I'm valuable to both sides. I mean to be rich and famous, said the girl. It's a tough haul, said her father. You mean before I make it, or after? Which do you prefer? Think ye that they on whom the towers of Siloam fell were sinners more than other? No, but I suspect they were making themselves conspicuous by the way they walked. A writer created great poetry and fiction, but burned it when it was finished. You'll never be famous at this rate, said his friends.

Is that a promise? Don't leave it in a desk drawer. It could make you rich. So I'll leave it there. You're ascetic, then? No,but I remember what a bombardier said over Hiroshima, eIf we had known what we were doing, we could have sold tickets for a hundred thousand dollars. We tried to train army officers in tactics by making them pore over chessboards and pieces but the results were unsatisfactory.

The properties of a given square, the powers of a given piece, are so rigidly defined that there is no opportunity for the dramaturgy, the flexibility, or the sport of war. No play in any sense of the term. Pity such a decent fellow was shot. There's no other way to combine the two. In the age of Elizabeth I, a groom as well-behaved as Charles, and a bride as well-behaved as Diana, could have enjoyed a contented union all their lives. The time for kings and queens to stay married was over. Not deacadence, just media. Even temperature-insulating teapot covers act as media.

You can't back out now that you're on the tea cosies. Internet chatrooms, in the average citizen, breed boredom, the active and passive experience of scandalmongering, corrupt titillation. In spies they breed death. Solzhenitzen's picture of Stalin's fears in The Third Circle proves what we all know anyhow: dangerous and frightened mean the same thing. Toss your pistol in the litter box and relax. Two art-lovers gazed at Picasso's Guernica. Do you see yourself in that picture?

No said the other, I don't like killing people. A grandmaster, Reuben Fine, has detailed the history of psychotic championship chess players. Paul Morphy, the terminus a quo of the modern game, was invited by Yale university to accept in recognition of his world championship a gold-and-silver board and pieces. He churlishly took the gift and simultaneously announced his retirement from the game, saying it was not worth a man's time; went home to New Orleans and spent the rest of his life literally shouting from the housetop Il plantera la banniere de Castile sur les murs de Madrid et le petit roi s'en ira tout penaud.

He shall plant the banner of Castile on the walls of Madrid and the little king will go away all ashamed.

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Alexander Alekhine complained that the beauty of his conceptions was always being spoiled by his opponents' inept moves. When one opponent made an ept move Alekhine picked a chesspiece up and threw it with all his might, shouting that he couldn't see why he had to stand for this idiocy. Bobby Fischer arrived in Reykjavik to seek and win the world championship and delayed commencement of the series for days, shrilling that the board, floor, auditorium seating were all wrong. Chess and paranoia both present a world in which the most alluring opportunity hides the deadliest trap and vice-versa.

His heart was in the right place so they didn't mind it that his head, hands and feet were all in the wrong place. Hitler said he was destroying the Jews only to enable Germany to rule Europe, but after Stalingrad he belied his claim. Instead of trying to save his empire or part of it he addicted himself to methamphetamines, squandered his army, and devastated his own conquests, to the end trying to search down every Jew in them.

Alcoholics Anonymous handles cases of men who are drunk every night but report for work, never attract the attentions of the Highway Patrol, never abuse their families, and never leave them. Such a person they call a maintaining drunk. Other Twelve-Step programs will soon promise cures to winning gamblers, chaste nymphomaniacs, and octogenarian smokers. A list of qualities necessary to success brains, talent, drivec must include luck. Thus we affirm that nobody fully deserves success; to deserve your fate you must fail.

You don't get an old head on young shoulders. A man's first love is his only love. These two adages are repeated seriously, even by the same individual. Besides a woman's reason I find him so because I find him so there is a woman's story I know it happened because I bet it happened. In marriage and friendship, the estrangement following a reconciliation can be worse than the quarrel that preceded it. Alcoholics Anonymous is losing members, perhaps because of the suddenly-revealed deadliness of tobacco. On the principle of fighting fire with fire, AA used to allow chain-smoking at its meetings, and Jack Lemmon in Days of Wine and Roses made his confession in a cloud of tobacco smoke.

When it became clear that the drunks were replacing an addiction with a worse one, the organization substituted chocolate for tobacco a notion set forth in Clean and Sober with Michael Keaton but the impression remains that they don't really enjoy keen insight into disease and health. Comedian's maxim: Never laugh at your own jokes; if the audience see you doing their job, they'll let you.

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George III tried to save us from fascism. The subsequent history of Britain and the USA shows this clearly. Mme de Stael said: Novels, even the most asexual, do harm. You cannot experience anything without finding it written in some book. The Greeks and Romans would never have sold their minds like this.

List of British television programmes

The Internet now offers facilities, not to sell your mind, but to mass-produce it without cost and give it away. Two ambitious men can join forces and help each other in their schemes; two ambitious women, never. Hence the business stereotype of the female CEO surrounded with males and nothing but males. Me and my uncle went ridin down From Colorado, West Texas bound; We stopped to rest in Santa Fe, That bein the point about halfway, And besides, it was the hottest part of the day. This ballad displays in its first verse the mind of a liar; it offers so many reasons for the Santa Fe stop that they cancel each other out.

The riders might halt from fatigue, or heat, or a calculation that the journey was half over, but not all three. In fact, as the verses unfold, in Santa Fe, the lad and his uncle start a card game, cheat, kill a man in a shootout, take the money and run. Never use more than one excuse.

Two or more excite suspicion, no matter how plausible in themselves: I might be a little late because I'm waiting on an important phone call and my car has transmission problems and traffic is bad this time of day. Not necessarily false statements, only too many. A nun has written a book, Under the Heel of Mary, whose title implies that she and her sisters are exhausted by the incessant devotions they pay the mother of god. We see a similar process in euphemistic words. Toilet was introduced to avoid the offensiveness of crapper originally the name of a London plumber, bestowed on his invention and now restroom avoids the offensiveness of toilet.

The word and the icon are debased by what they front for; it is the user, not the inventor, who determines the meaning of a word or a prayer. Male patients are turning up in emergency rooms with erections that didn't go away when no longer wanted, an occasional reaction to Viagra.

The medical staff, after treatment, release them with copies of Goethe's The Sorcerer's Apprentice, or videotapes of the Disney version. On the left, the big fight has always concerned the differences between authoritarian socialism and democratic socialism. In the Soviet Union the head of state said, Socialism has made Russia into a nation of cheaters; in Sweden, the chief said, Socialism has made Sweden into a nation of whiners. I'll take this sculpture, it reminds me of Michelangelo. Leave it for someone whom it reminds of nothing.

A man can drink quite heavily without offending anyone if he does it in the right place. Hence taverns sell alcohol only incidentally; mainly they sell seclusion. British wives often say of a husband that he works at his local. In a checking account, put in more than you take out. The North Korean army on parade marches with a goose-step, the most insultingly-named march known. By this gait a soldier demonstrates, not his discipline or prowess, but his servility.

Let's erase his government and make our commander the leader. Various armies in the late Roman empire took this view, no sooner beating the northern barbarians than marching on Rome. By the goose-step the soldier says to the man on the reviewing stand, Order us to humiliate ourselves, and for you we'll do it. Robert Ley, leader of the Nazi National Labor Front, made the membership, carrying spades on their shoulders, do the goosestep in a parade before Hitler, thus showing that the labor unions he had dissolved were replaced by a single union of patent servility.

Gay bardolater, gazing at boy: Methinks I egin to feel this youth's perfections to steal in at mine eyes. Mom to boy: I don't think you're that way.


Boy: You don't think I'm perfect? One of these pills at bedtime will make you sleep. I'll take half-a-dozen. But watch it; an overdose can kill. Make that a dozen. The German army in advanced into Russia 20 miles a day; in it retreated 50 miles a day. The fuehrer didn't mind; he planned a war of movement and he got one. Two women insisted on seeing the office manager. One, pointing at the other, said She wants my job.

The other said, She wants my husband. The manager said: You're both fired. Are we both wrong? Not necessarily, but I've heard it too many times. Liars are of many kinds. For one, in the home or workplace, the lie is a desperate measure to cover something adultery, embezzlement worse than itself. For others it is a recurring device to win the game of life or at least get a draw. It is never a good idea to denounce the liar. He doesn't destroy his house of cards but the breeze does.

Just let them be. How many substances of a more dignified kind a man goes through in search of the bullshit he needs! Society needs violence so that it can reactively make good conduct and fair play. The gods, as the poet sings, go through the cities and towns of men keeping watch on their orderly behavior and their hubris. Were there no hubris, the gods would stay home.

Medicine used to include lethal therapies, and a 17th-Century Dutch proverb says A new physician must have a new churchyard. Medicine's progress has brought iatrogenic disease, and now a new clinic must have another new clinic. Often, merely to be silent when a subject is mentioned is to lie about it; it is strange that no moral code condemns this. When you think what Taciturnity sometimes accomplishes, it might deserve a place among the 7 Deadly Sins. The Oath of Hippocrates began with the words In the first place, do no harm. The Father of Medicine feared that if he put that warning last, or left it out altogether, the physician would be worse than the disease.

The American Medical Association recently expunged the no-harm rule. Draw your own conclusions. Were they clearing the way for doctors to assist suicides? Or freeing pharmaceutical companies to market medications with dangerous side-effects?

Dr. Phil Gives His Opinion on Spanking

When a woman learns that her husband deceives her, she learns that her friends all knew, and feels betrayed by them as well. They were only protecting themselves: if they informed, they might earn his homicidal fury. But if they said nothing, the erring husband might err in peace till the marriage was ended by a natural death, and then the affair might be forgotten: it happens. A card in Post Secret, addressed to a ghost, says, At your funeral, I was grateful that you never told anyone about our affair.

Unless you adhere to religious dogma, this is a happy ending. The same thing as eavesdropping, but turned inside out. Inverse eavesdropping argues cowardice; Tom is not up to an exchange, whether of words or blows. Anna Karenina advises Dolly Oblonsky to forgive Stiva for his adultery with the French governess; Dolly not only takes the advice, she lives in perfect contentment thereafter, looking the other way while Stiva has affair after affair. If Dolly gave the same advice to Alexi, and he took it, that would make a dull novel, but Anna might die in bed.

Speaking of wronged spouses, the husband of Anna Sergeyevna, Chekhov's Lady with the Pet Dog, listened to her lie, every few months, that she was going to Moscow to see a specialist in women's diseases, and he believed it and did not believe it. Anna then went to a tryst in Moscow which she spent in tears on the can't-go-on-meeting-like-this theme and her lover in agonized realization that he had gray hairs before he found the only woman he ever loved; so all three suffered.

They brokered a broken marriage. Napoleon realized that an enlisted man or noncommissioned officer with talent will use it only on a promise of promotion; and he took the advice of Francis Bacon who said, To take ambition from a soldier is to pluck off his spurs. Ambition was a sin in Bacon's day: The noble Brutus hath told you Caesar was ambitious.

If so it was a grievous fault, writes Shakespeare. For professions have vices baptized and transformed to virtues: greed in an entrepreneur, vanity in an actor, narcissism in an author. Will the Bureau of the Census please check this idea? A man marrying after a divorce, can achieve happiness; after two divorces, never. Two strikes and you're out. Reveal to someone your questionable deed, and he may punish you. Conceal the deed, and you become prisoner both to him and it. You claim to live for art. I don't waste any life. When I'm not painting I'm dead drunk.

He enriched his family with a fresh corpse; all were horrified at his deed, but one was not surprised. When Nicole died, she was not O. Many a homicide under the conjugal roof follows a heat of passion arising on a sudden quarrel but the killing of a woman living in a different house had to be planned. This disposes of O. A country walk in springtime, taken every week, surpasses one taken every day. Slow changes become startling transformations. As in fast-motion cinematography, fewer exposures make more drama. A man wanted to do higher mathematics, but doubting his own talent, became an accountant instead.

His job claimed so little of his attention that, creating theorems in his head, he lived in a dream-world, to that degree that his wife noted assignations with her lover on the kitchen calendar. He kept faith, of a kind, with his vocation, she to the principle that sex without love means nothing. Believers taunt an atheist saying everyone has a religion and that is his. He retorts that it is no religion, but they have a point; his group, compared with theirs, is tiny, and rude even to each other; to believe is to belong.

Hence religions have infighting in which members improve their standing by believing greater absurdities than the rest. Mass media covering trials have made the evidence more important than the verdict. At Ted Kennedy's trial for a hit-and-run, the judge, referring to the media and resultant public opinion, said that the defendant would suffer punishment beyond the power of the court to inflict. After Dan White won a light sentence and O. Simpson an acquittal, their fates in various ways illustrated the general truth. At Auschwitz, the murderers used great ingenuity to insure that the victims' last hour would be their worst; at Hiroshima, this effect was unintended.

I cling to that fact, thinking it makes an important difference; but if there were a divine judge as the myth holds, he might deem the argument trivial. Etiquette is fossilized aggression, but almost all rudeness is etiquette deliberately omitted. Any interruption commits a slight offence. After sweeping almost effortlessly through the western regions of the Soviet Union, the German army in the summer of met resistance and the generals in their diaries wondered, as William L.

Shirer puts it, why the Russians did not simply give up as had so many others with less excuse. The Nazi propaganda they had imbibed misled the generals as to the excuse, for the Russians did not fight for Stalin or his system; they literally fought for their country. Planners of more wars after Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, take note; morale cannot be kept up if an army fights interminably for a homeland that sits unthreatened, doing business as usual, and under leaders who will accept a draw or even defeat.

After waiting years, Professor X at last got permission to offer the course he had always wanted to teach. Among his students there were cases of suicide.

The word advertisement came from avertissement, warning. The conjoint meanings are now distinct but, in selling cigarettes and medications, not separate. When a crime is committed at sea, a jury cannot be impaneled from the waves, nor is a judge aboard the vessel or bailiff to swear witnesses. Maritime law hence did not exist in ancient times, witness Homer's formula for greeting a visitor whose ship has landed: Is yours a trading venture, or are you pirates, risking your lives to bring destruction to other men? A man in an affectionate but dull marriage wanted more, and deserting his family, moved in with a pickup.

She had a criminal record, quarreled incessantly, threatened murder, stole his credit cards. A friend asked him how he liked his new home. What a relief! At Pomona College, in , I was literally buttonholed a fellow student hooked his finger through the buttonhole of my jacket lapel and made to listen to a news item; a black crowd in Montgomery, Alabama, had milled about in a street, angered by a rock-throwing attack by whites on Martin Luther King, and had been dispersed by fire hoses and police dogs.

This lenity outraged my co-religionist in study Nonsense! Machine guns! That's what they should be using, machine guns! Leave a few hundred of eem lying dead in the street and then see if they want to go on with their riot. I was not surprised by the fascist Blutlust; more Pomona students had it than lacked it. The murderer who commits suicide before he can be arrested pays his debt to society without meeting the collection agent. He says You're joking when I'm serious, but never You're serious when I'm jokingthough that is more often the case. In my teens, one summer I was enrolled in a school to learn watercolor painting; the course ended in an exhibition of student work criticized by the full faculty, in which I entered a painting on a bigger piece of paper than anyone else's; using watercolor as an opaque pigment, a very laborious technique; with a complex landscape and a giant human figure looking like a god, the clouds parting around him.

The head of the school discussed it in ironies meaning crude, inept, pretentious, and as I left carrying it, smirked at me and said, Well, young man, do you think it will be a while before you can rival Michelangelo? In Britain it is U never to gesture, but words can fail the greatest genius and then the gesture inevitably follows.

Sometimes in that situation the best expression is at hand. If you try it you'll have something to tell your grandchildren, but there won't be any grandchildren. A second Donner Party. She whom I loved and lost appeared in a dream. I waked, she fled, and day brought back my day. Better to lose a girl than your eyesight.

Hippocrates forbade abortion, say the ignorant. Actually, his Oath says, I will not lend a woman an instrument wherewith to procure an abortion, preventing the patient from practicing on herself. His mandate anticipates the garage that lends no tools, and probably for the same reason. Had he forbidden them to do these things, that would have been well enough; but, uttering the words, he forbade them to utter the words, and putting these words in a letter, he caused them to be read aloud to those innocent ears that had better never have heard them.

People who don't feel guilty can't repent. If a man of average ability auditions as an actor, he fails through fear of making an ass of himself. But if he completely lacks that fear, he becomes a ham. And yet that complete lack, joined with talent, may produce brilliant results, in acting, writing, directing, cinematography. Consider Orson Welles. Judge: All right, ten years. Defendant: Then I'll take the death penalty. In an allegory by C. Lewis, a man is the victim of Lust taking the form of a red lizard on his shoulder, whispering in his ear.

An angel commands the man to throw the lizard away. With an agonizing effort he does and the lizard, fallen on the earth, turns into a white horse which the man mounts and rides towards the top of a mountain. In the real world, however, the lizard turns into a red horse which the man rides away from the mountain. Lewis himself lived the rw. Mutt wrote a book, and Jeff wrote a critique interpreting it with stunning accuracy. Mutt sued Jeff and won. Paul told Timothy: The laborer is worthy of his hire, so preaching could become a paying job.

Then without missing a step he said The love of money is the root of all evil. Together, these two aphorisms amount to The laborer is worthy of the root of all evil, or in other words, the preacher may become as evil as he likes. By taking two wise sayings and making them law, without even thinking what they mean when joined together, he blundered like a typical pedant.

Festus said to Paul, Much learning hath made thee mad. I'll spot him that one. To such an extent has authorship been transformed by the internet that its dangers and difficulties have vanished. No need to find a publisher or job printer; you may publish all over the world at no cost instantly any time.

No fear of plagiarism or imitation; your exact copy will be, at the speed of light, available to every reader for comparison with anything that resembles it as long as the internet lastsdated, and the authors identified. And if you're any good, no fear of being underpaid. No need for an editor to hold the copyright and take his percentage of the gross, it's all yours.

Along with editors, critics will disappear, with their vendettas and wounded pride at not being authors themselves. So will the censors, merely critics with teeth. With this world audience of self-appointed critics, the majority will rule, as in Wikipedia, but the minority can never go unheard; hence true worth needs only time to prevail, as Gore Vidal proves concerning the NYT bestseller list. The only danger I can see is that the authors will enjoy so much spare time they'll drink themselves to death.

As a refinement on that, the audience are not necessarily sadists, they are present for a random reason and show no emotion. O, in a scene that doesn't move the plot forward very fast, dines with Sir Stephen and his pals in a restaurant, displaying her masochism in the form of lacerated breasts over a low-cut gown. She notices waiters taking no notice of this and has no response except to reflect that they must think she is a whore. A Puritan preacher, defining Christian marriage in the 17th Century, said We know there is wild love enough in the world, as there is wild thyme and other herbs, but we would have garden love of God's own planting.

Like hell you'll have it. One wrote what he pleased for any reader or none; the other answered questions. The first pitched a no-hitter, the second was taken out in the first inning. Because a paste diamond glitters more than a real one, a man I know is trying to make dull, lusterless paste diamonds. I haven't Lennon's talent, Our fate could be the same, Libby was killed by malice, But I may die of fame. May I do a sleepover in your apartment? That's a bold proposition.

I'll keep my hands off you. Forget it. A poet said, of writing poetry; If you don't have to do it, don't. The same is true of breathing. Pomona College, Claremont, Calif. But Cage and Tharp left after two years and Kristofferson became a heavy drinker, dimming the brilliance of a career that might otherwise have included many songs as great as Me and Bobby McGee. He later affirmed he did not regret being drunk many years, and some traits of his career confirm this, for he acted in films directed by John Waters, which is as close to moral, esthetic and professional nihilism as you can get while being gainfully employed in the film industry; and Me and Bobby McGee is virtually the losers' national anthem Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

Is this school a stepping stone to success, or a stumbling block? A man commissioned two authors, each to write a biography of him, and ordered them not to assist each other in any way, because one can see a distant object better with binoculars than with a telescope. A man hated his wife so much he took her out rowing on a lake and threw her overboard. She struggled back into the boat and he knocked her unconscious and threw her out again. Recovering consciousness, again she struggled into the boat and again he threw her in; this time she drowned. The coroner ruled it an accident as nothing like that could happen in the real world.

I carried my skates to the pond in January but the ice was so thick I slung them over my shoulder and went home. To compare this with the Second Coming is blasphemy. I think you're being very hard on the Second Coming. A certain sea resort said children might engage in sex with persons of any age, provided the pair did this publicly. Asked their usual opinion of being molested, the kids said It's fine except for the shame.

The child molesters threatened to sue the resort for unfair competition. A terrorist organization threatened to blow up the Guantanamo prison if it didn't stop serving such good food. Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita is sometimes deplored as an apology for child abuse, sometimes as a partial justification of it. Both these ideas miss the novel's 2 points, which are:. If you have to molest a child, at least remember to have fun. This is the point of the success of Clare Quilty, thrill-seeking clown, in winning Lolita's love, while Humbert is so agonized that at one point he weeps during an orgasm; I despise you, she tells him.

Whacks Lyrical by Lucy Appleby (LSF Publications)

Quilty is based on a man Nabokov met, a Stanford professor named Henry Lanz, who deserves a detailed biography. He went in a blazer with an Ascot tie, driving a fast sports car, to parties of nymphets. The word of truth was right enough, But vernal was the season, The light of faith shone bright enough But so did that of reason,. When Fanny cut the fabric of Her life with mental scissors To make the choice heroic of What's Christ's and what is Caesar's,. And when she saw, her eye upon The earthly path we're treading, The needle's eye, salvati-on, Is made for careful threading,.

And thrice and thirty cycles that Her wooded state's December Had cost a year to wonder at And paid one to remember,. Had brought her to the halfway point, The view of Canaan shining, Where faith must her with grace anoint, Or waste with undermining,. Then westward boldly, fast and loose She went to take a whacking, Of Satan's messenger, or whose, The name to learn by racking. Philosophy to strip away And lash because of pleasure, Of good and evil in my play To disregard the measure,.

Is this the best, or still be strained To weigh the ghostly chances, That thus the goal so hardly gained The fleshly joy enhances? On the first day of the Somme offensive, June, , fifty thousand British soldiers were killed. That may signify that this nation has contrived so dull an existence that it discards it heedlessly, or there may be some deeper reason. Perverse tastes: Oh, she's warm! If this be magic, let it be an art Unlawful as screwing. A professional wrestler relaxing in a bar became enraged and strangled the man next to him to death, but not before rushing to his dressing table and putting on his makeup.

Training had prevailed over instinct. There are contests in which an adversary who is frightened has a disadvantage, and there are contests in which he has an advantage. The police questioned a woman whose husband had killed himself with a bullet through his brain. It's nothing unusual, she said; He did it every day, only he kept using a track official's starting gun until he discovered his mistake. Feedback loops: in William Gaddis's The Recognitions, Mr Sinisterra, a counterfeiter, goes to a hotel lobby to hand over a box of freshly-printed counterfeit bills to a passer.

Otto Pivner goes to the same lobby the same evening to meet his father, whom he has never seen before, and, as it is near Christmas, receive a gift or loan of money. Mr Sinisterra has never met his passer, and as a recognition sign, he wears a green muffler; Otto by chance has also put on a green muffler.

Though Mr. Sinisterra considers Otto an incompetent passer and a homosexual, he hands over the false money; though Otto is crushingly disappointed by the vulgarity of his father, his repugnance turns to florid gratitude and happiness when the lid is removed from the box and he sees the colors and design of dollar bills. When the two by various accidents learn one another's defining role i. Mr Sinisterra flees his past to Europe, Otto flees his present situation to South America; Sinisterra, free of illusions, survives without a scratch on him, but Otto, who fancies himself an author, receives a blow on the head during a riot and develops a neuropathy that disables him.

In a case of mistaken identity people easily sacrifice the identity but never the mistake. The fair Ophelia says the Prince of Denmark has the soldier's, scholar's, courtier's tongue, pen, sword. Her figure of rhetoric is hysteron proteron, the last first and the first last; so the Prince has the soldier's sword the most dangerous sword ; the scholar's pen the most erudite pen ; and the courtier's tongue the most tactful tongue. Governor Schwarzenegger has the soldier's, scholar's, courtier's pen, sword, tongue.

Drunk or sober, darlin, From me fear no assault, No roisterin', no snarlin', And least of all, default. The language of decision Declares in syllables four And three words, see ya Thursday; Reflection looks for more. It takes an honest writer To sluice her mind in prose; But men in fascination Cut sentences in rows. And then behold the rockets, Exploding metaphors, Falsehood decked in sequins, Truths that strut like whores.

For half the world's poems A bitter writ must run; To tell the truth is hard in verse, In prose it can't be done. Oaths and promises of good faith are most demanded by those who least deserve them; the accusation Liar is oftenest made by those who most deserve it. X Company fronts for the evil Y Agency. At first I had no notion of this. When a witness swore to it in a trial, I had suspicions.

When I saw it on the evening news, these grew stronger. But when I saw a movie about it I was quite sure. And not discovered it himself by reading? Be grateful that the young can't remember. A thief was never arrested but went around to costume parties and won prizes for looking like a thief. There are lesbian couples and gay couples but the words twink, biker, dom, femme, girly girl, show that usually one partner assumes manly qualities and the other womanly. The war of the sexes can't be fought without uniforms.

The liberal slogan says: Build more schools or build more prisons. That is, build more day prisons or build more boarding prisons. Two kinds of righteousness: one, never to do anything you are ashamed of. Two, never to be ashamed of anything you do. The first makes you a good citizen, the second a hero. A reward in the experience of being bawled out is to notice how the bully relies on repetitive formulas to lengthen out his tirade. They vainly struggle to disguise the gap separating the tirade they would like to utter from the paltry remark they really have to make. Men and women in the arts of expression who enjoy a huge success, an avalanche of fame and money, notoriously experience an acute or mild trauma with longing for the days when they were still small-time.

He put it all in a nutshell. Hence a love of tradition flames in the heart of the innovator. And hence, to demand that every artist, every Ph. The traditional bent of innovators appears in their residences. The Vatican hill in Rome is the ancient seat of the priests of Jupiter; the Communists reigned from the house of the Tsar, the Moscow Kremlin; Bonaparte established himself in the Tuileries Palace. The difference between English and American literature is slight; we await our first Shakespeare while they await their second. If the obstacle Jean-Michel Basquiat met on his path to world fame had been, not a cardboard box in which he lived, but a suburban home, he could never have overcome it.

He was the first person in the world to recognize my talent. Contributions were sought to issue rabbits with surrogate feet after pedal amputation had subjected them to a run of bad luck.


A man who worked for a crooked government agency, when he retired, received an award, but told his colleagues to keep it. They deplored his biting the tentacle that fed him. As to Hitler, his career ended in failure but in one thing he did succeed: he defeated every attempt to laugh at him. For the Globetrotters, their farce hops on the polished floor but never soars, confined rather than aided by the conventions that create the drama of a real basketball game. Every city in the world is courteous to the people who live there.

I ingested a certain substance for a year or so, then stopped. Immediately intolerable symptoms appeared so I returned to daily ingestion, but then had to fear poisoning from the substance and worse symptoms including death.

Was the substance heroin? I'm addicted. I'm taking my meds. Curious noticed that Angry was always there when Frightened was not, and vice-versa, so that they might be assumed to avoid each other. She followed Frightened home and found she shared a house with Angry. She noticed that every time Angry went inside, Frightened came out, and vice-versa.

But Curious was a dim bulb and never discovered the real state of affairs. Every bawling-out is like every other; they all tell the same story of heedless egocentricity with the same warnings of retribution and the same terms of abuse. And this boy used to lie awake nights listening to the whistles of the passing trains; and he used to wonder if he would ever go to the places those trains were going to, and share the wonderful experiences there: the chiseling, bribes, kickbacks, extortions, betrayals, libels, misappropriations, interversions, thefts, vendettas, deceptions, perjuries.

And today that boy stands before you. Then, having become a man rather than a boy, I no longer attracted him, he kicked me out, and I realized I had suffered irreparable damage. Consequently I am suing the diocese for ten million dollars. The court awards you the sum. The famous detective who always went to work as if he were going hunting, wearing a deerstalker cap and a carrack, was finally convicted of all the crimes he had pretended to solve.

But if you accept the mode and add the qualifier, you make your words steal from each other. Receiving debased coin, you add a token in hopes of regaining its face valuevain hopes! Let the abused word fend for itself; it never will if you encumber it with pleonasms. Legal rights are all-or-nothing. Violate my right-to-live ever so slightly and it becomes worthless, even if you do so only once. He has every trophy of success, and regrets that he was so concentrated on getting them all that he never achieved a thing.

Hence paranoia, however undesirable in everyday life, is not, as is supposed, a mental disease, but a common and in certain circumstances, useful function of the mind. The world is a vast chessboard, and life is a championship match; the greatest seeming opportunity is what it seems, or else it is the deadliest trap. He even had a caged bear at the entrance to his bedroom whose diet was incompetent servants. In the emperor's madness ran a streak of cool calculation: the servant might be exactly what he seemed, or he might be an assassin unnerved by the danger of his mission.

The emperor let all assassins know how great that danger was. Riot in London, August, , as police are accused of shooting Pakistani man under arrest. Every right in the American Bill of Rights existed, many encoded in the English Bill of Rights forced by the parliament on William III in , before the United States existedthey were all imported from their homeland in , the exception being an unarmed police force, which the Americans seemed to despise. We called the Colt.

Alarmed by an increase in homicides, the police investigated and found two causes: jealous husbands and hard-working physicians. Inflation is more disliked than need be because the worker notices its effect on his budget but not on his paycheck. Labor is a commodity, as is well known, and its price rises with that of other commodities. Instead of a disaster striking the whole population, inflation is a treadmill forcing the worker to earn more in order to maintain a constant standard of consumption. The manufacturer thus gets more labor out of his employees and more cash for his product.

I can't imagine how this ridiculous situation arose. When President Kennedy proposed building a fallout shelter under every home, apartment, and workplace in the nation, he proposed a civil engineering project on the scale of the Great Wall of China. It would be more immense. It would be equally costly. And, no doubt, equally successful in accomplishing its mission of defense. You start the day only once a day if you tell the truth but you start it 24 times if you're lying. At the beginning of the 19th Century there were only two schools, Neoclassicism and Romanticism.

In New York today there are 39 schools. Do you see a trend? For every man who becomes the image of the thing he hates, ten try to become images of the thing they love and get it so wrong they had better have left well enough alone.